1) a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something
2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something usually simple and striking
3) an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
The funny thing about epiphanies is that, while they may be eye-opening to you, they may be more like a “duh” or a “who the hell cares” moment for everyone else. With that said, I had what I feel is a big epiphany this morning. Some people asked what my epiphany was. It’s a little convoluted, so I figured I’d unpack it here.
I was journaling this morning, as I do almost every day, because as Flannery O’Connor said, “Iwrite because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”
I’ve been vacillating about whether to quit my job or not. I’ve tried to quit twice already, but it didn’t take, so I thought perhaps it wasn’t the right time. I don’t have anything else lined up yet and the thought of being with a paycheck is pretty daunting. My boss is trying to work with me in order to keep me and it would be nice to stay until something else comes along. However, the reasons I want to quit in the first place are still there and now she’s thrown a new possible deal breaker into the mix.
My boss hired a new manager. He’s a very aggressive guy and it seems he’s ready to clean house and install his own people. I was hired for much the same position, but I’m not aggressive. That’s not my way, but I feel a bit of a power play happening on his part and I feel I need to be on the defensive. I don’t see this going well for me. No matter how hard I try to convince myself I can make this work, it seems the Universe has other ideas.
My life has been on a financially insecure trajectory since I got fired from the lab. I find jobs with small businesses thinking I’m going to be happier and that they will allow me to help grow a business, thus giving me more financial security eventually. Every time, however, I end up frustrated and angry, feeling like I’m trapped with no hope of escape or improvement, just as I did in all my corporate jobs. I’m obviously doing something wrong.
I’ve realized that I cannot keep doing the same thing over and over anymore. I will not. I know it is socially and financially irresponsible to quit a job without having another one waiting, but in order to change my current trajectory, I need to do things different and take a big chance. I need to do something radical to throw me off my old, well-worn trajectory, into the chaos. Deepak Chopra said, “Every great change is preceded by chaos.” In order to create change, I have to let go of the my fear of scarcity and chaos and put my trust in the Universe.
Trust isn’t easy for me. When I think of trusting that the Universe has my back, I think of my parents. About six months before my mother died, my dad lost his job. At this point, Dad was a broken man and Mom’s sanity train had finally derailed. Mom believed that they were chosen by God to spread His word and they believed that “God would provide.” However, God didn’t provide. They maxed out credit cards to travel around looking for people to save. They lost their condo and put all their stuff in my garage. “God would provide” turned into my children will provide because they owe us. (You can read the rest of the story here)
Perhaps God did provide in some way, but they were expecting it in the form of money and the money didn’t come. It reminds me of the story of the man who was on the roof of his house because there was a big flood. He cried to God to save him. Soon a boat showed up to offer him help, but he waved them off saying “I’ve asked God to save me. God will help me.” The water got higher and once again, a boat came by and offered to take him to safety, but again he waved them off, saying “God will help me.” He waved off several other boats until the water finally overtook him and he died. When he met God, he asked, “God, why didn’t you save me?” God said, “Well, I sent several boats to rescue you, but you kept sending them away.”
We often get stuck believing that there’s only one way. My belief is that I need a job, someone to put a value on they think I’m worth, someone to provide for me because I can’t do it myself. However, money doesn’t have to just come from a job. I learned this recently when I had a dresser full of checks from various places. A couple of fifty dollar checks. A couple two hundred dollar checks. Various other checks. Together they came up to over six hundred dollars and it didn’t come from a “job.” All it takes is to see things differently for the energetic pipelines to open up.
I finally feel like I know what my purpose is. I want to use my passions in design and art to remind people of our shared humanity. I want to remind people that together, we have the power to change the trajectory of this country. I want to remind people that they have the power to change their own lives, if they wish.
I believe that Trump and the rest of those in power are providing us with the impetus to be that nudge we need to change the trajectory of our world. I know that there are more people who love and care for each other and our world than those in power who seek to keep us heading down this path to destruction. I want to be part of the revolution that changes the course of humanity.
Just like I can’t keep doing the same things over and over expecting my life to get better, the human race cannot keep doing what we’re doing now and hope for anything to change for the better. My epiphany was that the trajectory of my life parallels the trajectory of our world.
I have to be the change I wish to see in the world.
I must take this radical leap in my life in order to change my life, because I can’t ask the world to change, if I won’t take the chance and do it myself first.
I’m willing to trust that the Universe doesn’t want to see us humans destroy ourselves. I’m willing to trust that the Universe will do everything in its power to help us, if we just ask. The power of the Universe is limitless and we have access to that power as part of the Universe ourselves. We’re not separate from the Universe any more than we are separate from each other. That’s a lot of power that we all have access to. Anything is possible, including putting an end to fossil fuel use, providing for all people, treating all beings with respect and love and even world peace. It’s even possible to make money without having a job.
[Photo courtesy of the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary]
A few days ago, I tried to make the big leap. I tried to quit my job. I actually tried twice. The first time, she really didn’t hear me and made a plan to try to accommodate me, so I thought I’d give it a try. Then she did some things that made me sick to my stomach and I decided that I had no other choice than to quit. Firmly. For good.
I sent an email to get it out there clearly and succinctly. I knew I’d have to talk to her, but with my intention made clear, I thought I’d be able to stand firm in my conviction. However, there was crying (not me), guilt, and begging and I caved. She thought she had won. She started planning my future, but I told her I wasn’t interested in the long term. I want to pursue my passions. Then she put me on the schedule doing the things I told her I couldn’t do. Foiled again!
As I tried to figure out how she had once again gotten her way and I hadn’t, I became reacquainted with the idea of the shadow self and luckily I hadn’t given away my book called The Shadow Effect by Deepak Chopra, Debbie Ford, and Marianne Williamson. (Yay for being a book hoarder!)
The concept of the shadow is that we have parts of ourselves, that for one reason or another, we don’t like or approve of. These are usually traits that our parents and teachers deemed unacceptable, so we decided to shove them down deep. So deep, in fact, that we often don’t even know they’re there.
For me, the shadow has resulted in me creating the same situation over and over again and not being able to figure out why I keep ending up miserable and depressed. It mostly happens in my jobs, which affects my life so greatly that I can’t move forward.
In the book, Debbie Ford said that everyone we meet is a mirror. They mirror back to us who we are and those people who drive us crazy, who make us angry and frustrated, are the mirror of our shadow self. My first thought was “Well, shit.” I don’t want to be like the person causing me the most frustration and grief, but I decided to take a look at it and see if that’s true.
My job isn’t super bad. It’s my boss who is the source of my pain and agony these days, so I wrote down all the things that irritated me most about her.
She’s mean and judgmental when talking about her clients.
She can’t focus long enough to complete a thought.
She is inappropriate. (She changed pants in front of me. Stripped down to her underwear. Made me very uncomfortable.)
She can be intimidating.
She doesn’t hear you when you tell her what your needs are or ignores them and does what works for her.
She creates chaos and seems to thrive on it.
I try so hard to do what I’m supposed to do, to please people, to be helpful, to rein in other people’s chaos so that there’s some sort of order to things. Surely I’m not anything like that, right?
I don’t think it’s that I’m like her, but that there are parts of me that can be that way, those part I learned early on that were unacceptable or unpleasing – the shadow. Those shadow parts make us choose to go the complete opposite way most times, to leave it at far behind as we can.
So, I unpacked each one of these points and here’s what I came up with:
I remember my dad always saying that the women in my family were mean: my grandmother (she kinda was), both my great-grandmothers, my mother. I’ve tried my best not to be mean to the point of being mute. Instead, I became a people pleaser, so that I don’t appear demanding or mean.
I don’t focus on anything very long either. I call myself a Jill-of-all-trades. I’ve done a lot of things in my life, but I’ve never found my “thing”. I start learning about something, but soon get bored with it or I get distracted by something else that catches my fancy. I’ve never become a master of anything, which in my mind makes me flaky and it’s kept me from having a “real” career. I feel like a loser because I can’t stick with anything. I keep trying though, which only leads to more frustration.
I don’t think I’m inappropriate, at least I try hard not to be. I think this one comes from the fact that both of my parents always walked around in their underwear and it always made me feel icky. Especially when my dad walked around in his tighty whiteys.
While I admire people who say what they mean, I don’t handle intimidating people very well. Intimidating people are scary to me. They demand things from you. They demand that you act as they want you to. They make me feel small and scared. My mom could be that way and my grandmother was definitely that way. I know I can be intimidating with my own intensity about things. I like to talk about deep, esoteric subjects. Small talk and chitchat bore me to tears. I’m sure that’s intimidating to people, which is why I tend to be quiet and isolate myself. I don’t like to intimidate people.
My parents were very wrapped up in their own drama and trauma. They couldn’t hear what we kids needed. Even when I was living at home at twenty-five, drinking every day, and basically messing up at life, they didn’t try to get me any help. They went to an Al-Anon meeting one time and decided that I was nothing like that. That was the extent of their “help”. I cried out for help and they didn’t hear me. They never heard me.
The biggest thing that bothers me about my boss is that she is a tornado of chaos. She likes it, I think, and seems to thrive on it. I grew up with a mentally ill mother and to me chaos meant mental illness. An inability to control your thoughts. Chaos, to me, was scary. We never knew what each day would bring and we were often left to fend for ourselves without any help from our dad. I compensated by trying to control everything, being the responsible one, so that I would feel safe.
Now what? What do I do with all this insight into my shadow? The problems arise when you try to hide them. They tend to come out with a roar (remember what happened to Tiger Woods and Bill Cosby and Mel Gibson and and and?) or in very damaging ways, like addictions and depression. The key is accepting your shadow side as an integral part of who you are. We need both sides of ourselves – the parts we like and the parts we don’t like – to be whole.
So, to become more whole, I’m going to work on accepting the parts of me that I’ve deemed unacceptable.
I’ve recently met a lot of Texas women and the thing I love most about them is that they are straightforward and say what they mean. They are strong women and the women in my family were all strong women. I’m going to embrace that “mean” Texas woman inside of me, because she’s not mean. She’s just strong and asks for what she wants and needs.
I’m going to embrace the fact that I’m a dabbler, not a focuser. I like to learn and I love knowledge. Just because there’s not a job that calls for love of learning and knowledge as a requisite doesn’t mean I can’t make money off of what I know. It just won’t come from one source.
I’ll speak up next time my boss drops trou and tell her it makes me uncomfortable.
I’ll keep on being my deep thinking self, but I’ll allow myself to not be so intense all the time. Maybe I’ll even start having a little fun.
My body tells me what I feel most of the time. I’ll start listening to it and changing those situations that make me feel icky.
As far as chaos goes, I read this article by Leo Babauta where he talks about all the ways in which chaos is actually a good thing. I’ll work on embracing uncertainty and trusting that the Universe will lead me where I want to go. I live with chaos in my brain every day. I look all calm on the outside, but inside, I’m a ball of chaos. However, it’s what leads me to explore new thoughts and ideas. It’s what led me to this point in my life where I’m finally unraveling the tangle of lies I’ve made up to keep myself safe.
So, I guess it’s okay that I couldn’t take the leap. It wasn’t time for me to quit my job. The Universe wasn’t done using my boss to teach me what I need to know. But hey! I love learning, right? Soon, I’ll be on to something new.
It is horrifying that we have to fight our own government to save the environment.
“Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.”
― Edward Abbey
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.”
― Edward Abbey
“Wilderness is not a luxury but a necessity of the human spirit, and as vital to our lives as water and good bread. A civilization which destroys what little remains of the wild, the spare, the original, is cutting itself off from its origins and betraying the principle of civilization itself.”
― Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire
“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.”
― Edward Abbey
I’m heartbroken today. Every day it gets worse and worse. Another day, another attack on the American people by own our government. This is nothing new, of course. Kings, Queens, Emperors, Rajas, Supreme Leaders, Dictators, Authoritarian, Totalitarian, Democracy. They were all founded on the premise that it was safer to live together in groups and that certain people should be put in charge to make decisions for the whole. The government would protect the people from outside forces, take care of our needs, and provide us with services to make us more comfortable. Who knew that so often we would have to protect ourselves from the very leaders we put in charge to protect us.
Too often throughout history, those in power start thinking that the people are there to benefit them. Look at Kim Jung-Un, al-Assad, Xi Jinping, and al-Bashir to name just a handful. They divide the people, most often by religion or race, and turn them against each other. When we are fighting each other, we are less likely to band together against the ruler.
The US is now under an oligarchy. Merriam Webster defines an oligarchy as a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes. When the Supreme Court ruled on Buckley v Valeo in 1976 that corporate political spending is protected under the First Amendment right of free speech and Citizens United v Federal Election Commission upheld that corporations have First Amendment rights, it opened the door to corruption like we’ve never seen before in this country.
Donald Trump is the epitome of corruption, but he’s merely a scapegoat for the GOP and their corporate donors. They are going to let him be the bad guy and push him to gut all the social and environmental policies that have protected the poor and our natural heritage for decades, then when Mueller takes him down, the damage will already be done and they’ll throw up their hands and say there’s nothing they can do about it.
Why are the Republicans so hell-bent on destroying this country? In my opinion, it is pure greed. They are paid by the very corporations they’re deregulating everything for, thereby guaranteeing their own prosperity. The people we put in power to protect us are the very people that are hurting us the most. Maybe we don’t have a dictator – although Trump sure acts like he is Supreme Leader of the United States – but we have something just as bad. I don’t know what to call it, perhaps corporate fascism, but Fascism seems to be the current state of affairs in America. Here’s what Merriam Webster says about Fascism:
a political philosophy, movement, or regime (such as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition
Is that what Trump meant when he said he was going to make America Great Again? As long as he says “Merry Christmas” and that he supports the NRA, he is guaranteed a following, while the rest of us get mad, sign petitions, and sit here with our jaws on the floor in disbelief. How could this have happened? Is there anything we can do about it.
I’ve signed my fair share of petitions, but I know the one thing that will bring them down if we’ll stop believing we’re powerless. It’s simple. Most of us have access to at least a little of it and we have the power to decide what we’ll do with it. What is it? It’s our damn money, that’s what. What is the purpose of corporations? To convince you that you can’t live without what they have and to make more and more money. They want your money. Stop giving it to them! Why do they want Bears Ears? To take what it has, make their money, then discard it when they’ve used it up. Just like they’ll do to us.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about chaos lately. As an anxious person, I expend a lot of energy trying to control what I perceive to be chaos, but I also know that chaos is necessary. If everything is controlled and orderly, it gets old and boring. We stir the pot just to keep things interesting. My therapist gave me a quote from the movie Enemy:
Chaos is order yet undeciphered
Our country is in chaos right now. What we know is being destroyed as we speak and there’s nothing we can do to fix it right now, but I have to see the bigger picture. I have to look to the future, the Seventh Generation. These corporations don’t care about us. Our government doesn’t care about us. We have to care about us. We have to start taking care of each other. Now.
It’s time for us to see the writing on the wall; we need each other. We need to start thinking in terms of what I can do for my community. What can I contribute to the group? We have everything we need to take care of ourselves as a collective. We have nurses and doctors. We have people that know how to grow food. We have people who can fix things, people who like to build things, people who know chemistry, people who own guns, people who own big chunks of land. We don’t need these corporations and we don’t need a corrupt government.
So what can you do? What do you enjoy? Are you a teacher? Do you know how to sew? Do you know how to make plant medicines? Do you make furniture or do you enjoy pottery? Do you know how to blow glass? Do you know how a well works? Are you a strong bike rider? We’ll need you to deliver things. Is there something that interests you? Go learn that, whatever it is. Start doing it now. Whatever you love to do, we will need it. We will need you.
I quit drinking ten years ago, but it took me twelve years to get there from rock bottom. My nieces and nephews were getting older and I didn’t want them to remember of me as “drunk auntie”. I’m not saying it was easy, but that was the thought that made me do it.
Although I dabbled in drugs and liquor, beer was my beverage of choice. Beer was my constant companion and best friend for twenty five years. It was there for me when I was angry or sad or just bored or out with friends or…or…or. I didn’t need a reason, but I had lots of excuses.
Even though I quit in 2007, one particular event back in the mid-nineties stands out as a turning point. One night, I went on a particularly bad binge. Some coworkers and I went out after work and drank quite a lot. As usual, though, a lot was not nearly enough. We went to a friend’s house and continued the party, drinking the wine her father made. It was old school Italian wine that he stored into gallon jugs. The two of us put down at least a gallon if not more. I don’t remember, but I do remember my friend’s husband having some drug (probably meth, now that I think about it) although they wouldn’t tell me what it was. For some reason, I tried to get them to let me try it. Luckily for me, they refused, so I went back to my wine. We were up until about 4 am and had to be to work at 8. My friend was also my supervisor, so I couldn’t exactly call in sick if she didn’t. Besides, my Dad always taunted me with “If you wanna play, you gotta pay,” so I would be damned if I was going to let him call me out on it. However, I only worked for a couple of hours. I felt so bad, I truly felt that I would die if I didn’t go to sleep. I went to my mom and dad’s house and slept, literally, all day. My mom was afraid that I might be dead, so she kept sending my dad up to check on me.
Funny thing was, she might have been right. I had a dream that day that I believe wasn’t a dream. I dreamt that a man in robes was cradling me in his arms as if I were a baby. I looked up at the man and I felt the most beautiful peace wash over me. It was as if all the pain of my life had been taken out of my body. I didn’t want it to end, but suddenly, I was back in my parents’ house with Dad nudging me to see if I wanted something to eat. If the stories of people dying, but being told that it wasn’t their time yet are true, I believe that’s what happened to me.
I didn’t quit drinking the next day or even for the next dozen years. However, it did plant the idea in me that perhaps I was here for a reason and that dream started me on the healing journey I’m still on today.
A big part of my healing journey is a spiritual one. I grew up in the Presbyterian church, but it never felt right to me. I felt judged and ashamed, but what really turned me off was the hypocrisy. I couldn’t understand how people could do whatever they wanted, be it drinking, cussing, or generally being an asshole, then dress up on Sunday, go to church, and ask Jesus to forgive them, as if that erased all the un-Christian things they did all week. I’m not saying Christianity is bad. I’m just saying it doesn’t make sense to me.
Around the time of the dying dream, I started having vivid dreams about an injured deer. Three dreams, three deer, all unable to walk. I tried really hard to figure out what those dreams meant until one day, I was browsing through the Native American section at the bookstore when I saw a book called Lame Deer: Seeker of Visions. I believe those dreams led me to that book, which in turn started me on the path that would eventually save my life.
Lame Deer was a Lakota holy man, but he didn’t live a pristine life. He was a drunken rodeo clown and a womanizer. He got into lots of fights, spent a lot of time in jail, and left the ways of his people behind for many years. However, when he was ready to come back, there was no punishment, no shame, and no judgement from Creator or his relatives. He was highly regarded because of all he had been through, not because he pretended to be someone he wasn’t. He taught me that it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to fall down, because I could always get back up. He taught me that I wasn’t doomed because of my past.
When I went back to finish my bachelor’s degree, I met a man named Ben in a history class. He noticed a metal feather necklace I was wearing and asked if I was Native. I said that I was only a tiny bit Native, but that I had been reading a lot of books on the Red Road. Ben became my mentor, of sorts. He took me to my first sweat lodge. He introduced me to people in the community, got me into Intertribal Student Council (ITSC), and gently prodded me toward the Red Road ways.
Through Ben and ITSC, I met a woman named Big Momma, who was the faculty advisor and a big voice in the Native community. She had a sweat lodge on her property and her ceremony family soon became my tiyospaye or extended family. They showed me what Lame Deer had been talking about. They loved me even though I was a drunk. They didn’t judge me and told me I was welcome no matter what. They give me the unconditional love I never felt from my family of origin. I am so grateful to my tiyospaye and the Lakota ways for helping me on my journey and I will forever be grateful to Ben for gently urging me to follow my heart.
When I finally quit drinking, I thought I would instantly feel better and my life would magically start working out. I didn’t realize that drinking wasn’t the real problem. It was a symptom. It only covered up and distracted me from whatever the real problems were and after a few years of pure misery and such deep depression I didn’t think I would survive, I sought out a therapist.
It amazes me that my therapist stuck with me through the first year or two, because even though I sought her out and desperately wanted her help, it was like pulling teeth to get me to talk. I had repressed my feelings for so long that I didn’t even know what I felt. I told her I felt that if I start letting them out, I was afraid it would be too much and I would not be able to rein them in again. However, she did stick with me and eventually, she found a hole in my armor and helped me to start letting them out slowly.
Therapy is like peeling an onion. I would get through one layer and think I was golden, only to find there was another layer under that one. Several years of therapy later and I’m still discovering more freakin’ layers! I have to say, it’s a little annoying, but I’m grateful that my onion is a lot smaller than it used to be.
If I’m known for anything, it’s for having a lot of willpower. Not only have I quit drinking, I’ve quit smoking, drinking pop, eating meat, and I’ve picked up the habit of meditation and daily journaling. I often challenge myself because I know that if I follow through, I can achieve whatever I want to. I thrive on a challenge. I even seem to enjoy the struggle, because after all, if it isn’t hard, it isn’t worth it, right? But that’s part of the problem.
The latest layer of the onion is my apparent inability to allow myself any pleasure in life. Even when good things happen to me, I won’t allow myself to enjoy them. Whatever it is, it’s never enough. I can find a downside to anything. I’ve called myself perpetually dissatisfied. Others have called me a complainer, but it really all boils down to the fact that, for whatever reason, I won’t allow myself to be happy. Perhaps I feel I don’t deserve it. Perhaps it’s what Brené Brown calls “foreboding joy.” It’s never allowing yourself to feel joy because you’re afraid that it will be taken away by something horrible. If I never allow myself to be happy, then the bad stuff won’t feel as bad.
Foreboding joy has become a giant roadblock in my life. It’s turned into an inability to enjoy much of anything and it’s stopping me from pursuing my dreams. I suppose it’s what my dad taught me. Don’t dream of being an artist because not many people ever make any money at it. You want to be a fashion photographer? Good luck with that. Work at a fashion magazine? Do you know how many people want that job? Go after something more practical. If you fail at what you don’t want, it won’t hurt as bad as when you fail at something you do want. You may not be happy, but at least you’ll have a roof over your head.
I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, but that has never been enough for me. I’ve always wanted more, but like my dad did to me, I always talk myself out of trying – why try if you’re just going to fail? – but I want to be happy. I want to pursue my dreams, but that would mean taking a chance on joy and that terrifies me. I can’t even get myself to learn the skills it will take for me to even begin. Why? Because I might possibly enjoy myself. I might find pleasure in writing or photography or playing with Illustrator and Photoshop or painting or drawing. And if something is pleasurable or easy, it’s not work. It’s not a struggle. Life is a struggle. Life is a bitch and then you die. You have to fight for what you want. Work, work, work. Hustle, hustle, hustle. That’s what they tell us, right?
I’ve tried hard to believe that hype, but I just don’t. I believe in a Creator, a collective consciousness, the Universe. I have no idea what to call it or how it works, but I know that there is more than just our physical existence. I believe we’re connected to the energy of the universe and I do believe that we create our own realities. If we have all that energy behind us, the only reason we struggle and fight is if we’re going against the flow of that energy. Like the rip current, if you swim against it, you’ll wear yourself out and never make it to shore, but if you relax and let it take you out to calmer waters, it will release you and allow you to swim easily back to shore.
Being back in Colorado has brought me full-circle. It’s where I hit rock bottom. It’s when my mother quit trying to hold onto to her sanity and we quit pretending we had any sense of normalcy as a family. And now that I’m back, the universe has decided to throw all those feelings right back at me to deal with once and for all.
I’ve struggled my whole life. I’ve struggled with shitty jobs, extreme loneliness, frustration, and anger. I know there is more to life than struggle. The happiest moments of my life have come when I surrendered to the Universe, when I told the Universe “I give up,” and when I cried in ceremony, “Creator, please help me. I can’t do this by myself.” I’ve struggled for twenty-two years to climb out of the hole I dug for myself and I think twenty-two years is enough. I don’t need to struggle and work hard and suffer to prove my worth anymore. I think it’s time to just be and enjoy.
I don’t know why I didn’t die that day. I have no idea what my purpose is. Perhaps I’m here to pay off the karmic debt I inherited from my ancestors. Perhaps it’s simply to live and be a part of a creating a brand new world. Whatever it is, I want it to be easy and fun. We had a full moon today and full moons teach us to let go of things that no longer serve us. This full moon, I let go of the struggle. It no longer serves me.
I went rock climbing – on real rock – for the first time. I’ve had several opportunities, but I’ve always been too chicken to try – I hate being the noob. My brother and his family were here on vacation, so my sister, her boyfriend, and I took them rock climbing. Since I wasn’t going to be the only novice climber, I thought it was the perfect time to try.
After watching everyone’s first attempts, it was my turn. They weren’t going to let me weasel out of it, so I roped up, put my I’m-not-going-to-think-I’m-just-going-to-do-it blinders on, and started up the rock.
Climbing isn’t about having strong arms or tremendous finger strength, although they do help. It’s mostly about trust. First of all, you have to trust your equipment. You have to trust that the hardware bolted to the rock is secure. You have to trust that your rope won’t break if you should fall. You have to trust that your shoes will grip the rock and you have to trust the harness to securely connect you to the rope and consequently, to your belayer.
Secondly, you have to trust your belayer. They literally have your life in their hands. Their job is to allow you enough slack to move up the rock, yet not too much so that if you fall, you won’t fall far. You have to trust that your belayer is going to pay attention and knows what they’re doing.
Finally, you have to trust yourself. You have to get past the fear that tells you that you can’t do it, that you’ll fall, and if you fall, you’ll die. You know that voice is just fear yammering in your ear. You know that you’re as safe as you can be. Your only job is to focus on the rock right in front of you, to look for those tiny places to put your fingers and toes, and take one step at a time. Oh yes. And don’t forget to breathe.
There was a point where I didn’t think I’d be able to go any further. The bump in the rock where I had my toe was so small and the blip of rock where I had my fingers was so miniscule, that I thought there was no way I could take another step. However, I dug deep and decided to trust my belayer – my sister – to catch me. I took a deep breath and pushed up. To my surprise, I didn’t fall. For me, that was the crux. After that, I knew I could make it all the way.
I turned around to look at Long’s Peak and the lake below – there is never a better view than the one at the summit. I even looked down at my family below, who were cheering wildly for me, and I had no fear of the height. It was a big accomplishment for me, in more ways than one.
I enjoyed the high of my accomplishment for a whole day. Then as is my way, I crashed into a funk. As great as that weekend had been, I fell back to reality with a thud. The view from reality wasn’t as pretty as the view from the top of that rock.
I had been doing so well, too: trusting the Universe, playing by the rules of the Law of Attraction, and being patient. Certainly I was on my way to a great job, or better yet, a great big wad of cash was going to fall in my lap, because I was doing everything right, right?
However, I checked my bank account and realized that the well had finally gone dry. I’m in big-time debt and I have very little coming in. Just enough to eat on and put gas in the car that I can no longer pay for. And to top it all off, even Big Lots turned me down for a job. I can’t even get a minimum wage retail job. What the hell is going on?
My old friends, Fear and Control, came to set up shop in my gut. Fear said, “You’re going to lose everything. You’re going to be out on the streets. No will hire you. Ever. You’re fucked.” Control said, “You have no choice. You can’t have a job you’ll enjoy. You have to take whatever miserable job comes along, if any of them will have you. You’re desperate. Sell your bikes. How dare you think you can have any fun when you can’t even pay your bills!” Fear and Control work well together, don’t you think?
I cried for days. Fear had me in its grip and I couldn’t see any way out. Then it dawned on me that this is the way I always handle tough situations. I get scared and I try to wrestle the fear to the ground by trying to control it. I try to force things to go the only way I believe they can. I’ve always done things from a place of desperation and low expectations, yet I’ve never been happy with the outcome.
However, my mantra over the last year has been “Do It Different” and the first step to doing it different is to know when you’re doing it the same. Now that I’ve recognized that I’m reacting in the same way, how do I do it different?
I thought about what the opposite of control and fear is and realized that it’s trust and faith. But how does one have trust and faith when there is no certainty? I don’t even know for sure there is a “Universe/God/Creator”, but I believe that there is and that’s as close to certainty as I can get, so I might as well give it a go.
Then I realized that climbing that rock for the first time wasn’t just about climbing a rock; it was a lesson in trust. I looked up trust in the dictionary. It said:
Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
In order to climb, to move forward and up, I had to trust that Jeff had tied me correctly to the harness. I had to trust that Jessica had her belay device set up properly. I had to trust the anchors at the top would hold me and that the rope wouldn’t break. Most importantly, I had to trust my sister.
The only thing I had control of was my own mind, which is, in reality, the only thing over which we ever have control.
I had to trust my way to the top. I had no choice. What I discovered that day is that when you trust, things flow much more smoothly. It wasn’t a struggle or a chore. I didn’t have to keep checking the rope for wear. I didn’t have to remind my sister not to drop me. I could just have fun. All I had to do was focus on the task in front of me and trust that the rest was taken care of. To me, that felt like freedom. Trust is surrender to the process. Trust is allowing others to support you, even when you don’t think you deserve it. Trust is a relief.
What I learned in the mountains that day is that I can trust my family, that they have my best interest at heart, and that it’s okay to allow them to help and support me. You may think that’s obvious, but it wasn’t to me until now. After decades of believing I was all alone, it’s a relief to finally allow myself to belong.
I’m still working on surrendering my control of work and money to the Universe, but now that I know what it’s like to trust, I don’t think it’ll be that hard.
I’ve aired my mom and dad’s dirty laundry. It’s only fair that I air mine.
If you haven’t read any of Brené Brown’s books, I’d highly recommend that you do. She is a research professor at the University of Houston with a doctorate in the Philosophy of Social Work. Her research revolves around shame, vulnerability, and how to be your authentic self. Shame is why we hide away certain parts of ourselves that we deem undesirable and it forces us to live in a way that is not true to ourselves.
I credit Brené Brown with helping me see how badly shame has impacted my life and showing me that I can let it go. She says that shame cannot survive being spoken. Once we tell our story and it’s met with empathy, the power that shame holds over us vanishes. I would like to thank those of you who have read my story so far, those who have reached out and shared their stories with me, and those who have given me a big old virtual hug in the comments. I appreciate you more than you know.
So far, I’ve written of a mother who couldn’t be the mother I needed, even though she tried and of a father who didn’t care to be a father beyond keeping a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. I was told to keep quiet (shame) about my mother’s illness and so I did. However, that family shame was just the beginning. The decades of shame that came after are all mine, so if it’s true that shame cannot survive being spoken, then I’m willing to speak of mine. I’m tired of being ashamed of my past and who I’ve been so far. Being part scientist, I’ll consider this an experiment to prove or disprove her theory myself.
I like to think that I first learned shame from being told to hide my mother’s illness, but it started before that. When I was eight or nine, I loved to perform “shows” for the neighborhood – mainly my parents and their friends across the street. I would perform a one-girl variety show with my brother doing puppet shows while I got ready for my next act. Our audience was small, but appreciative.
One day, I decided to go all out and do a dance skit that involved a choreographed number utilizing the entire backyard and the swing set as a prop, like Gene Kelly and his lamppost. I was rehearsing my big number, Three Dog Night’s “Joy to the World” at the top of my lungs, when a couple of boys popped their heads up from behind the fence and began teasing and taunting me, laughing about how stupid I was. I was mortified. I promptly cancelled my performance. From that day on, I have suffered from tremendous stage fright, terrified to look stupid in front of other people. I even have trouble trying new things because I don’t want to look dumb and chance having people laugh at me.
I used to spend summers with my grandparents, especially after my mom got sick. Until I was about thirteen, I mainly hung out with my grandparents and their friends. I got lots of attention, so I didn’t mind. However, my grandmother’s hairdresser suggested that I meet her niece and two of us became fast, summer friends.
She was the person I first started drinking with. The first time, I was spending the night at her house, when she suggested we sneak a drink out of her parent’s liquor cabinet. I don’t remember exactly what the drink was – some kind of hard liquor and Coke – but I do remember how it made me feel. It was warm and soothing. Although I didn’t necessarily like the taste, it washed away all my anxiety, as if someone had swaddled me in a big, warm blanket. That feeling made me happy.
My friend and I would drink whenever we got the chance, which wasn’t all that often. We used the old tried and true method of refilling the liquor bottles with water each time we took some. The first time I got truly drunk though was on beer. We knew some older girls who could get beer, so we planned a night at the drive-in. That was my first experience with binge drinking. Beer tasted awful, but it made me feel good. There were boys around too, and being drunk made me more outgoing and comfortable with them. The first time I made out with a boy was that night, in the backseat of the car. Luckily for me, the girls were watching out for me and knew how drunk I was. They kicked the boy out of the car and drove my friend and me home.
Being a night of firsts, it was also the first time I ever threw up from drinking too much. We got home and tried to act sober as we chatted with her mother before we rushed off to my friend’s room. After a while, as I was laying in bed, the room began to spin and my stomach started to churn. I leaped out of bed to make a run for the bathroom, but I didn’t quite make it. I threw up in my hand and it leaked out as I ran. After I’d gotten everything out of my system, I went back to bed and passed out.
The next morning, my friend’s mother asked if one of us had gotten sick in the night because there was vomit on the carpet. I said that it must have been the dog. So, she said okay and made us breakfast, and although I was in no way hungry, my friend told me to eat or else her mother would know that we were hungover. So I ate with what I’m sure was a very green face as her mother eyeballed me closely. She knew it wasn’t the dog.
I started drinking for real my freshman year of college. The drinking age in Kansas at the time was eighteen, so I took full advantage of it. I would go out five nights a week. Thursdays, I stayed home to prepare for the weekend and Sundays were reserved for recovering from the weekend. Every other night, they had drink specials to entice me. How could I turn down dollar pitchers?
I loved drinking while I was drinking. I became outgoing and talkative and wasn’t afraid of anything. However, I didn’t love the after effects. Not only did I have what I believe to be the world’s worst hangovers, I was also always horribly embarrassed by how I had behaved while drunk. The outgoing, talkative, brave person I was while drinking was the very person I was embarrassed of the next day. Ever since the incident with the boys, I hated looking foolish and I felt that drinking made me look foolish. It didn’t have to be anything major to embarrass me, perhaps just talking too much or showing too much emotion. Sometimes it was major, like passing out in a bar or going home with the wrong guy. I didn’t like being out of control, but that was also part of the reason I drank, to relax and loosen up the reins I kept myself restrained with. I was ashamed of my behavior and every time I went out, I promised myself I would maintain control and not get hammered, but I always did.
Drinking wrecked my first college career. I went to several universities, only staying a year or two at each. I usually did fine in my classes despite my partying, but soon I would wear out my welcome. My friends would get serious about school so they could graduate, while I was still only interested in partying, so I would transfer somewhere else to start fresh, because “this time will be different.”
The last university I went to before I dropped out was Colorado State. At the time, Colorado State was the #1 party school in the country. I didn’t know that when I went, but I soon found out why. They had a bar in the student center, so all I had to do was walk across a field and I had all the beer I wanted. I even took a bowling class because you could drink during class. I took it twice. I found the party kids right away, so I was never at a loss for someone to drink with. I had tried a few drugs in the past, a little speed and pot, but at CSU, I had access to cocaine. While I liked it quite a bit, alcohol was still my drug of choice, so luckily for me, I didn’t add cocaine addiction to my repertoire.
Colorado State had a yearly event at the time called College Days. A few weeks before finals, they let classes out for a couple of days so that the students could let loose a little. That year, my favorite band ever, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, performed for us followed by a few teeny, tiny, unscheduled riots in which things got burned, bottles were thrown, and kids were injured. We weren’t mad about anything. It was simply a case of too many kids, and a whole lot of drugs and alcohol. Needless to say, they don’t do College Days anymore. (Read about the riots here).
Naturally, I started the party a couple days early and by Saturday, my body couldn’t take any more booze. It shut down. I passed out at a friend’s apartment in the early afternoon on Saturday. When I awoke, I thought I ought to rejoin the party. (FOMO is a real thing.) However, my body had different ideas. My legs wouldn’t support me going down the stairs, so my friends had to drag me home and put me to bed. It took me a couple of days to recover from that binge, but I was so ashamed of myself that it left me in a severe depression. To top it off, during dead week I came down with strep throat. I didn’t study for any of my finals and I didn’t even bother to go to a couple of them. When I got the letter over Christmas break saying that I was on probation, I decided that I had had enough of college for a while.
Not only was I ashamed of how I acted when I was drunk and the amount I was drinking, but I was ashamed of my drinking and driving. It is truly a miracle that I never hurt myself or anyone else while I drove with one eye closed so that I could drive in a nearly straight line. Or the times I drove completely blacked out and not remembering how I got home. I’ll tell you just a couple of those stories.
One night, during my freshman year of college, some dorm mates and I went to a frat party where they were serving Purple Passion. It was the best bathtub mixed drink ever. It was made with grape juice and grain alcohol, so it was sweet and went down easy. As was my way, I wasn’t done drinking when the Purple Passion ran out, so I decided to go to another house to do some more drinking. Since I had already been drinking grain alcohol, I decided that I’d bypass the grape juice and just drink Everclear straight. Everyone told me not to, but apparently I took that as a challenge and took a few long swigs straight out of the bottle. It didn’t take long before I decided that I had better get back to the dorm. I knew I’d crossed the line. I got in my car and even though I was only blocks from campus, the next thing I knew, I was out in the country headed away from town. I tried to turn my car around, but having little control of my body by that point, I ended up in a culvert and couldn’t get out.
I swerved and staggered the mile or so back into town and found a gas station that was still open. I told the employee what had happened and asked him to help me. He drove me in his tow truck out to where my car was, but because it was on private property, he had to get the owner’s permission to pull the car out. Unfortunately, the people wouldn’t open the door to give permission (probably because some crazy person had just been gunning their engine trying to get out of culvert)so the guy said that he’d have to get permission from the sheriff. Again, unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), the sheriff was out working a motorcycle accident, so we had to go out there to get him to sign the paper, which gave me a chance to sober up a little.
I suppose the gas station employee told him how drunk I was and what had happened, because when I got there, I had to do a field sobriety test. The sheriff told me that he didn’t know how, but I had passed the test and he said he would sign the paper as long as I promised not to drive the car home after we got it out. Drunk driving laws back in the early ’80’s were not as strictly enforced as they are now. Who knows if I really passed the test or if he just took pity on me, but I’m grateful to that sheriff for not throwing me in jail that night. And of course, I drove the car back to the dorms that night.
Several years later, I was working in Vicksburg, MS as a plasma center manager. I decided that I wanted to go back to Colorado, so I packed all my stuff into my Land Cruiser and headed back to Colorado. I left in the late afternoon, and to celebrate, I bought a six-pack of Budweiser tall boys for the road. I didn’t get through Louisiana before I had gone through them all, so I stopped for more.
The plan had been to drive to Wichita Falls and stay the night, but at some point I missed my turn and ended up in Dallas. I stopped to use the restroom at a convenience store and I had to ask someone what town I was in. Even though I could clearly see the skyscrapers on the Dallas skyline, I wasn’t supposed to be in Dallas, so I didn’t believe that’s where I was. After I accepted the fact that I was truly in Dallas, I headed back out to try to find my way to Wichita Falls.
At some point, somewhere on a two lane highway, I realized that I was never going to make it. I wasn’t even sure where I was and I was nodding off at the wheel, so I simply pulled over, leaned back in the front seat, and went to sleep. I slept for eight hours on the side of the road. I awoke to the wind from the passing semis rocking my car. I looked around to try to figure out where I was and wondered how I had made it through the night without getting arrested or hit by a semi in the middle of the night. I thanked my lucky stars once again and took off back down the road.
There were many more, less dramatic, drunk driving incidents. I am mortified and deeply ashamed that I put so many people at risk, but I am so very grateful to whomever is watching over me for keeping everyone safe, even me.
Another big part of my shame has to do with some inappropriate relationships with men. I dated a few guys in college, but after one particularly painful rejection, I gave up. I was convinced that I was unworthy of love, so I quit looking for relationship while I watched all my friends get married. I still dated from time to time and some of them probably did like me, but I would deem them losers, because only a loser would like me, right? Besides, the most important marriage in my life was my parents’ and I didn’t want to end up like them. I found most of the guys I dated to be needy and I had no desire to take care of anyone, like my dad had to take care of my mom.
That’s not the shameful part though. The shameful part is the fact that several times over the years, I had what I term “booty-call relationships” with married, or otherwise taken, men. It didn’t happen often, but when it did I felt like the worst person in the world. They would tell me “I’m not leaving my wife, you know” and I said that I knew. Their being unavailable made it easier for me not to get attached. It kept me from being rejected because there was nothing to be rejected from.
Even though you claim that’s not the kind of person you really are when you do something like that, people argue that you wouldn’t do it if that’s not who you are. I’m not sure how I feel about that. All I can say is that I would never have done it if I had been sober and I have never fooled around with a married man since I got sober. The problem at the time was I wasn’t sober that often.
Eventually, all that shame and embarrassment piled up on me. Although I couldn’t stop drinking, I also couldn’t allow myself to keep doing things I knew were wrong, so I simply started drinking at home alone. I figured if I stayed home and drank, at least I wouldn’t hurt anyone else.
I bargained with myself to try to keep my drinking under control, because I couldn’t imagine never being able to drink again. I would go buy a couple of beers, promising myself that that was all I would drink that night. Inevitably though, I would want “just a couple more.” However, I was embarrassed to go to the same store where I’d bought the first beers, so I’d have to go to a different store to buy the next ones. Every time I went to buy beer, I had to go to different stores, so the liquor store employees to know how much I drank.
I tried to quit drinking numerous times, but inevitably I would con myself into allowing just one or two. I really thought I could keep it under control. and it even worked for a day or two., but very soon, I got right back up to speed.
As the years went by, I started to become more and more afraid that my luck would run out and something bad would happen. I knew I was biding my time. I was terrified of getting a DUI. Sometimes, on my third trip out for beer, I wouldn’t remember whether I had paid for it and I wouldn’t go back to that store for fear of getting arrested. I did everything I could to try to control it, but there was no way I could.
One day, I was at home with my nieces. I had been drinking a little, although I did maintain a little control when I was with them, and it dawned on me that that was how they were going to know me. I would be their “drunk auntie.” Despite the embarrassment, the drunk driving, the unavailable men, and my fear of running out of luck, the thing that ultimately made me quit drinking was the fact that I didn’t want “Drunk Sissy” to be how they remembered me. So on September 4, 2007, without any fanfare, I quit drinking.
Quitting drinking was by far both the hardest and the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve been sober for almost ten years now and I am finally rediscovering the person I came into this life to be – the real me and not the lie. I’ve kept the real me hidden away for a long time, because I was embarrassed of who I thought I was. I thought alcohol made me better, but it only masked a whole lot of sadness and shame and drove the real me deeper undercover.
I wasn’t even sure I would be able to survive the pain I felt, but there was always a tiny spark of light hidden deep within me that kept me going. I like to think of that spark as my true self – my soul – and I hope to honor my soul by throwing off the thick, heavy blankets of shame that almost smothered it, so that I can be more authentically myself, whoever that is. As Marie Forleo says, “The world needs that special something that only YOU have.” I hope I can find my special something soon.
I go hiking at least four times a week. I have hundreds of places that I can go, but I usually go to Red Rock Open Space. It’s comfortable, familiar, and a five minute drive from my house. I walk as both a meditation to open myself up to new ideas and as a way to work off my frustrations and cry to the Universe for answers.
The other day, I allowed myself to get triggered. It’s funny how one tiny thing, probably with no real significance, can set off an avalanche of old emotions that scoop you up and send your mind crashing into despair. Well, at least that’s how it works for me. When I get triggered, I go straight to feeling alone and abandoned. I will even go so far as to fear for my welfare and security, although none of those things are real.
The Open Space is nice because it’s so big that you hardly ever cross paths with anyone and even though it’s only a few miles from my house, it feels like I’m all alone. It’s the same feeling I get as I look out at the stars at night: alone but knowing I’m a part of something so much bigger. I never feel alone when I look at the stars.
Yesterday, rather than reveling in being alone, I was feeling lonely and pitiful. As I walked, I begged the Universe to help me. “I’m tired of doing everything by myself. I’m tired of being alone. Why won’t you help me?” Shortly after I got that out of my system, I noticed a old man ahead of me, dressed ball cap to pants in deep olive green with an matching jacket twisted around his arm. He was looking out toward a field of sunflowers and I wondered if he was looking at something in particular or if he was just admiring the flowers as I do.
I continued walking toward him as he switched his gaze toward the other side of the trail. I wondered if perhaps he had wandered away from home and was lost. As I got closer, I could tell that he wanted to talk, so I took out my earbuds. He said, “I just bought a new house. The one down there with the chimney.” He pointed out a nice brick house about a mile away. He talked for a little bit about his move and as I listened, I noticed his white hair tucked under his cap. It had been a while since he’d had a cut. He also had long white hairs jutting out below his Adam’s apple, like he had shaved down to that spot and quit or perhaps they had crawled up from his chest. It was an odd place for such long hairs. And the sides of his eyes were deeply wrinkled. The wrinkles looked like a web of lightning branching out across the sky.
He told me that he walked a lot and measured his distance, not by miles, but by elevation. He proudly stated that he was probably the only one who did that. I asked him if he had walked the distance to the moon yet and he said that he’d gone up 80,000 feet in elevation over the years. I told him that I was impressed.
We chatted a little while longer, then parted ways. He said, “I’ll probably see you around” and I smiled and said yes, he probably would. It turns out he wasn’t lost and though I felt that way, neither was I. We were in the right place at the right time. The Universe had just orchestrated a brief encounter between two lonely people to show us that we weren’t really alone after all.