Journal Leads Woman To Epiphany

According to Merriam Webster, an epiphany is:

1) a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something

2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something usually simple and striking

3) an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure

The funny thing about epiphanies is that, while they may be eye-opening to you, they may be more like a “duh” or a “who the hell cares” moment for everyone else. With that said, I had what I feel is a big epiphany this morning. Some people asked what my epiphany was. It’s a little convoluted, so I figured I’d unpack it here.

I was journaling this morning, as I do almost every day, because as Flannery O’Connor said, “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”

I’ve been vacillating about whether to quit my job or not. I’ve tried to quit twice already, but it didn’t take, so I thought perhaps it wasn’t the right time. I don’t have anything else lined up yet and the thought of being with a paycheck is pretty daunting. My boss is trying to work with me in order to keep me and it would be nice to stay until something else comes along. However, the reasons I want to quit in the first place are still there and now she’s thrown a new possible deal breaker into the mix.

My boss hired a new manager. He’s a very aggressive guy and it seems he’s ready to clean house and install his own people. I was hired for much the same position, but I’m not aggressive. That’s not my way, but I feel a bit of a power play happening on his part and I feel I need to be on the defensive. I don’t see this going well for me. No matter how hard I try to convince myself I can make this work, it seems the Universe has other ideas.

My life has been on a financially insecure trajectory since I got fired from the lab. I find jobs with small businesses thinking I’m going to be happier and that they will allow me to help grow a business, thus giving me more financial security eventually. Every time, however, I end up frustrated and angry, feeling like I’m trapped with no hope of escape or improvement, just as I did in all my corporate jobs. I’m obviously doing something wrong.

I’ve realized that I cannot keep doing the same thing over and over anymore. I will not. I know it is socially and financially irresponsible to quit a job without having another one waiting, but in order to change my current trajectory, I need to do things different and take a big chance. I need to do something radical to throw me off my old, well-worn trajectory, into the chaos. Deepak Chopra said, “Every great change is preceded by chaos.” In order to create change, I have to let go of the my fear of scarcity and chaos and put my trust in the Universe.

Trust isn’t easy for me. When I think of trusting that the Universe has my back, I think of my parents. About six months before my mother died, my dad lost his job. At this point, Dad was a broken man and Mom’s sanity train had finally derailed. Mom believed that they were chosen by God to spread His word and they believed that “God would provide.” However, God didn’t provide. They maxed out credit cards to travel around looking for people to save. They lost their condo and put all their stuff in my garage. “God would provide” turned into my children will provide because they owe us. (You can read the rest of the story here)

Perhaps God did provide in some way, but they were expecting it in the form of money and the money didn’t come. It reminds me of the story of the man who was on the roof of his house because there was a big flood. He cried to God to save him. Soon a boat showed up to offer him help, but he waved them off saying “I’ve asked God to save me. God will help me.” The water got higher and once again, a boat came by and offered to take him to safety, but again he waved them off, saying “God will help me.” He waved off several other boats until the water finally overtook him and he died. When he met God, he asked, “God, why didn’t you save me?” God said, “Well, I sent several boats to rescue you, but you kept sending them away.”

We often get stuck believing that there’s only one way. My belief is that I need a job, someone to put a value on they think I’m worth, someone to provide for me because I can’t do it myself. However, money doesn’t have to just come from a job. I learned this recently when I had a dresser full of checks from various places. A couple of fifty dollar checks. A couple two hundred dollar checks. Various other checks. Together they came up to over six hundred dollars and it didn’t come from a “job.” All it takes is to see things differently for the energetic pipelines to open up.

I finally feel like I know what my purpose is. I want to use my passions in design and art to remind people of our shared humanity. I want to remind people that together, we have the power to change the trajectory of this country. I want to remind people that they have the power to change their own lives, if they wish.

I believe that Trump and the rest of those in power are providing us with the impetus to be that nudge we need to change the trajectory of our world. I know that there are more people who love and care for each other and our world than those in power who seek to keep us heading down this path to destruction. I want to be part of the revolution that changes the course of humanity.

Just like I can’t keep doing the same things over and over expecting my life to get better, the human race cannot keep doing what we’re doing now and hope for anything to change for the better. My epiphany was that the trajectory of my life parallels the trajectory of our world.

I have to be the change I wish to see in the world.

I must take this radical leap in my life in order to change my life, because I can’t ask the world to change, if I won’t take the chance and do it myself first.

I’m willing to trust that the Universe doesn’t want to see us humans destroy ourselves. I’m willing to trust that the Universe will do everything in its power to help us, if we just ask. The power of the Universe is limitless and we have access to that power as part of the Universe ourselves. We’re not separate from the Universe any more than we are separate from each other. That’s a lot of power that we all have access to. Anything is possible, including putting an end to fossil fuel use, providing for all people, treating all beings with respect and love and even world peace. It’s even possible to make money without having a job.

 

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