Writing my story is much harder than I thought it would be, but it’s also more rewarding and freeing than I ever imagined. I’m only halfway done, but I’ve already had many, many epiphanies and I’m sure there are more to come. But along with all the unlearning of old beliefs and breaking of old patterns of thought comes a new fear.
Last night, I watched the latest episode of CMT’s Nashville. One of the lead characters is Deacon Claybourne, a country musician and recovering alcoholic. He was trying to support a rising artist by pushing her to record a song that exposes her truth about her relationship with an abusive ex-husband. She said that she just wasn’t feeling it and decided to quit recording for the evening. Deacon then said something to her that hit me right in the heart. He told her that he knew how scary it was when all of the obstacles to everything you want are gone and you’re left standing there, alone, in front of the mic.
I started bawling like I’d just lost my best friend – and honestly, I cry every time I think about it. Right now, I’m standing alone and the spotlight is on me. All of the obstacles that I’ve set up to keep me from doing what I want to do – because I was made to believe that what I wanted was wrong – are being destroyed, one by one, and I’m left standing here, exposed, raw, and unsure of what to do now.
However, I know the truth now. I know who he really was. I know that I’ve been living the lie he gave me for most of my life, but I also know that I don’t have to believe the lie anymore. I know that it’s up to me to sing my own truth or walk away from the spotlight, but leaving the spotlight is not an option. I know too much. I have to stand in that spotlight alone and be my authentic self. And that scares me to death.