“Wherever you go, there you are.”
Some people attribute this quote to Confucius. Others say it came from the movie Buckaroo Banzai. It is also the title of a Jon Kabat-Zinn book on mindfulness, but I’ll always attribute it to my grandmother. I’m not sure where she got it and I can only assume she said it because I was telling her about yet another of my plans to move somewhere new to start over. As great as I thought the saying was, I was disappointed because I knew it was true. You can’t run away from yourself.
I moved to Colorado three weeks ago and for the first time, I was not running away from anything, I was running toward the new life I wanted to create.
I love it here. I have a view of Pike’s Peak from my front yard. The sun shines most of the time and there are hiking trails within a couple of miles from my house. We live in a part of town that was obviously built in the sixties and seventies at the tail end of the Midcentury Modern trend. There’s a mix of ranch and split level ranch houses-which is what ours it-and contemporary houses with their flat or slightly slanted roofs, exposed supporting beams, integrated landscapes, and a mix of various building materials to provide textural interest. It is so different from where I came from, which is exactly what I wanted.
I came here for a new start. I felt as if I had gone as far as I could in Nebraska and I definitely needed a change of scenery. I’ve got everything I want, externally. So why am I sitting in my room, scrolling through Facebook, watching YouTube videos, and writing in my journal for hours on end? Why am I not embracing all the new that this place has to offer? Why am I right were I was a few months ago, before I decided to move?
It’s because when I moved, I brought myself with me. I’m the same person that I was just a few months ago. I thought that a new environment would make me happy and when I got happy, all that old emotional baggage would just disappear, but I guess it’s not that simple.
I saw this as an opportunity to be whoever I wanted to be and I can still do that, but it’s not going to happen overnight. As David Foster Wallace said, “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” I still very much expect to be a different person here. It’s just that the Old Me is not going to go without a fight.
Everything was going fine until I started looking for jobs. Just the thought of having yet another horrible job makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want a job. I want fulfilling, exciting, interesting, creative work. I don’t want another job that means nothing more to me than a paycheck. There is so much more to life than a paycheck.
I have a general idea of what I want to do for work and I know what I want my life to look like, but what can I do right now, when I’m not ready? I don’t want a regular old job, but I need money to live. I want to work in a creative field like doing logo design or branding or photography or even writing. I enjoy them all but haven’t given myself enough time to explore which one I want to focus on first. And I don’t have any marketable skills or experience in anything yet, so I couldn’t get a job doing any of it if I wanted to. The only option I see is to get an unfulfilling job to make do, but my only marketable skills are lab work and retail and I don’t want to do either. I feel like if I get a job like that, I’ll be right back where I started and I don’t want to go back there.
All my life, jobs and money have been my biggest stumbling blocks and being a believer in the Law of Attraction, I know that the more I focus on this huge block on my path, the more blockage I’ll get. I know my only option is to take my focus off of the obstacle, so today, I gave up that part of my life to the Universe.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but I’m not going to look for a job. I’m going to let the job come to me. The Universe knows what I want and knows where it is. I do not. Instead, I’m going to turn my focus to things I enjoy. I’m going to design the logo for my company that I will have very soon. I’m going to read, and draw, and work on my vision board. I’m going to go hiking and do a little weight lifting. I’m going to take lots of photos as I explore my new home. I’m going to practice my hand lettering, because I love hand lettering. I’m going to finish my online class in copy writing, so that hopefully I’ll be able to build a bigger following on my blog. I’m going to watch my favorite TV shows when I need to zone out and love on the cat and dog because they’re awesome. In other words, I’m going to allow myself to have some fun.
Not long ago, I was given a quote from Rumi, which I intend to make my new mantra.
Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.
It can be no other way.