“Wherever you go, there you are.”

Some people attribute this quote to Confucius. Others say it came from the movie Buckaroo Banzai. It is also the title of a Jon Kabat-Zinn book on mindfulness, but I’ll always attribute it to my grandmother. I’m not sure where she got it and I can only assume she said it because I was telling her about yet another of my plans to move somewhere new to start over. As great as I thought the saying was, I was disappointed because I knew it was true. You can’t run away from yourself.

I moved to Colorado three weeks ago and for the first time, I was not running away from anything, I was running toward the new life I wanted to create.

I love it here. I have a view of Pike’s Peak from my front yard. The sun shines most of the time and there are hiking trails within a couple of miles from my house. We live in a part of town that was obviously built in the sixties and seventies at the tail end of the Midcentury Modern trend. There’s a mix of ranch and split level ranch houses-which is what ours it-and contemporary houses with their flat or slightly slanted roofs, exposed supporting beams, integrated landscapes, and a mix of various building materials to provide textural interest. It is so different from where I came from, which is exactly what I wanted.

I came here for a new start. I felt as if I had gone as far as I could in Nebraska and I definitely needed a change of scenery. I’ve got everything I want, externally. So why am I sitting in my room, scrolling through Facebook, watching YouTube videos, and writing in my journal for hours on end? Why am I not embracing all the new that this place has to offer? Why am I right were I was a few months ago, before I decided to move?

It’s because when I moved, I brought myself with me. I’m the same person that I was just a few months ago. I thought that a new environment would make me happy and when I got happy, all that old emotional baggage would just disappear, but I guess it’s not that simple.

I saw this as an opportunity to be whoever I wanted to be and I can still do that, but it’s not going to happen overnight. As David Foster Wallace said, “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.” I still very much expect to be a different person here. It’s just that the Old Me is not going to go without a fight.

Everything was going fine until I started looking for jobs. Just the thought of having yet another horrible job makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want a job. I want fulfilling, exciting, interesting, creative work. I don’t want another job that means nothing more to me than a paycheck. There is so much more to life than a paycheck.

I have a general idea of what I want to do for work and I know what I want my life to look like, but what can I do right now, when I’m not ready? I don’t want a regular old job, but I need money to live. I want to work in a creative field like doing logo design or branding or photography or even writing. I enjoy them all but haven’t given myself enough time to explore which one I want to focus on first. And I don’t have any marketable skills or experience in anything yet, so I couldn’t get a job doing any of it if I wanted to. The only option I see is to get an unfulfilling job to make do, but my only marketable skills are lab work and retail and I don’t want to do either. I feel like if I get a job like that, I’ll be right back where I started and I don’t want to go back there.

All my life, jobs and money have been my biggest stumbling blocks and being a believer in the Law of Attraction, I know that the more I focus on this huge block on my path, the more blockage I’ll get. I know my only option is to take my focus off of the obstacle, so today, I gave up that part of my life to the Universe.

It may sound counter-intuitive, but I’m not going to look for a job. I’m going to let the job come to me. The Universe knows what I want and knows where it is. I do not. Instead, I’m going to turn my focus to things I enjoy. I’m going to design the logo for my company that I will have very soon. I’m going to read, and draw, and work on my vision board. I’m going to go hiking and do a little weight lifting. I’m going to take lots of photos as I explore my new home. I’m going to practice my hand lettering, because I love hand lettering. I’m going to finish my online class in copy writing, so that hopefully I’ll be able to build a bigger following on my blog. I’m going to watch my favorite TV shows when I need to zone out and love on the cat and dog because they’re awesome. In other words, I’m going to allow myself to have some fun.

Not long ago, I was given a quote from Rumi, which I intend to make my new mantra.

Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.

It can be no other way.

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2 thoughts on “Now What?

  1. You do you! Spread those intentions. All of it doesn’t happen over night, but it will happen.
    I’ve been told before to be where my hands are, and at first, I didn’t understand it, because I am always where my hands are. Most of the time, I wasn’t though. I was somewhere else in my mind. Wishing for what I wanted and worrying about what I didn’t have. I made a conscious choice to enjoy every moment and be present for my life. Since then (three years later), I have most everything I had wished for back then, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of the journey. I’m so glad you are doing this blog and I am so glad you moved. I’m going to have fun watching your journey.

    Like

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