Shooting Arrows

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I know you’ve all seen this one before. I know I’ve seen it a hundred times too, but I feel like this analogy is fitting for how I feel right now.

You may or may not know that I’ve never had a job I’ve liked and I’ve tried almost everything. I enjoy learning new jobs, but once they become repetitive and routine, I get bored. I get so bored that I feel like gnawing my leg off just to get away. I start to feel like, every day I’m going back to prison to fulfill a life sentence for the crime of not knowing what I want to do when I grow up.

The job I have now is everything I dislike in a job all wrapped up in an ugly, low-wage package. I’m working in a call center, which if you don’t know, is a big room with cubicles, old computers, and headsets where I talk to upset customers all day long and attempt to fix their problems. I’m tethered to my phone all day like a dog with a choke chain around its neck. I can stand up and move a couple of steps, but if I try to make a run for it, it yanks me back violently by the neck.

I’m judged on the quality of my phone calls, but more importantly to the powers that be, by the quantity of calls I take, which calls for a lot of multi-tasking. I do not multi-task well. I also have to account for every minute I’m away from the phone and I’m docked for anything more than a quick potty break. The never ending beep of the next call coming in makes me want to bash my head into desk and one can often find me gesticulating like a crazy lady while dripping sugary sweetness through the phone. This is the lie I have to live.

To add insult to injury, I have to drive 15 miles to get to the office, which is in the suburbs. The suburbs! I hate the suburbs. The building is sandwiched between a cornfield-this is Nebraska after all-and the bland brown/beige/gray houses of some quaintly named housing division.

The worst part is that, as a believer in the Law of Attraction, I know that I created this job. Why would I do this to me? Again?

I’ve spent a lot of the last two years focused on figuring that out. Why do I create these things I do not like? Part of it is that I haven’t believed I deserved better and the other part is that I get so focused on the agony of what I’ve already created that I create more of the same. Like attracts like. This job is actually the wake-up call I needed.

I’m done with torturing myself for whatever I think I may have done wrong in my past or trying to make up for being me. I deserve better than this. I’m ready to create something entirely different now. The plan for a big move is underway and my time at this horrible little job in a town I’ve never liked is almost done.

However, I’m having trouble letting go of the old. The old is comfortable in an uncomfortable way. I’m used to the misery, after all this is the way I’ve always done things. There is certainty in the old, but I don’t want certain anymore. I want to walk boldly into uncertainty (that’s my 2017 mantra). It’s the only way I can create anything new.

I feel stressed out and pulled taut like an arrow on a bowstring. My arm is pulling against the string, my eyes are focused on a hazy, but distinguishable target, my foundation is rock solid, and my fingers are ready to release.  All I need to do is let go of the damn string and I’ll fly straight towards my new way of doing things.

Uncertainty has me hesitant to let go. Uncertainty brings up a panic in me that says “What if I miss my target? What if the arrow doesn’t fly, but drops in front of my feet because I didn’t hold it right? What if the target I’ve got a bead on is the wrong target and I end up with something worse?”

The only thing that’s sure in life is that there are no guarantees, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. Letting go of the bowstring and trusting that no matter what target my arrow hits, it will be the right one. It’s the risk I’ll have to take, because giving up and putting the arrow back in my quiver is not an option.

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