I’ve gotten into astrology this past year. I’ve never put much merit in it, but since listening to a certain astrologer, over time, I’ve begun to see that it’s incredibly accurate. How can it not be, really. Our solar system is bound together by energy to work in a certain rhythm and we are a part of that system. If you doubt that the planets can have an affect on us, take a look at the effects of the moon on the tides and on our bodies, especially women. We may not understand how it works, but I do believe there is some good information in it if you’re open to it.
This past year has been ruled by Saturn. Saturn is the taskmaster. He doesn’t suffer any fools. He’s all about discipline and getting things done. He’s like that stern grandfather who rarely give out any accolades, but when he does, it makes you feel like you’ve really accomplished something. Nothing makes you prouder than to have made him proud. Grandpa Saturn has been rather hard on me this year. He’s had enough of my low self-worth and he’s rubbing my face in it.
I jokingly said one time that I thought I might be on the low end of the autism spectrum, because I don’t know how to be social. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how people can talk so much about nothing and how someone else can feign interest in their mundane monologues. I feel awkward when I’m around groups of people, especially people I don’t know well. I’d rather stay home. My cats don’t talk much.
For that reason, I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. I’ve tried to join various groups, but since I don’t do small talk, I end up sitting around by myself, getting more and more uncomfortable until I quietly sneak out the door. No one notices, of course, because I’m really good at being invisible.
When I was in junior high and high school, I wanted friends so badly. I especially wanted to be friends with the popular girls. One on one, I could talk to them just fine, but when do you honestly get to talk one on one when you’re a teenager? Teenagers roam in packs, especially the popular ones. You have to deal with the group and as I’ve mentioned, I don’t do groups.
I am far, far removed from my teen years and yet I don’t feel like I’ve grown beyond them. I’m still struggling with the same issues I’ve dealt with for decades. In this case, the popular girl is a yoga instructor. She is super cool and someone I would love to be friends with, I think. I say “I think” because I don’t know her well enough to know if I would really like her or not. Like most popular girls, she is in high demand and she is always surrounded by her inner circle or at least those that are more like her. She’s always nice to me and we seem to get along, one on one, but in the crowd, I just become another student, another one of her hangers-on. I feel exactly like I did in high school.
With the yoga teacher, Saturn has brought me face to face with my beliefs about my value. I’ve had several dealings with her in which she asked me to help her with something then she took it away. I never really understood why. It felt like rejection, but still I persevered, after all, she acted like she liked me at the studio. She seemed to confide in me about things. I felt like perhaps I was finally going to be friends with the popular girl.
Alas, I was wrong. I got very depressed for a while and didn’t feel like interacting with people. I didn’t even want to go to yoga, which is my favorite thing to do. And then other things came up and I haven’t been in a while. I wanted to reach out to her, so I messaged her on Facebook and she ignored me. It’s not the first time. I’ve come to realize that my value to her was my unyielding support as she built her yoga studio. When I stopped going for a time, she quit finding value in me.
What I’ve learned from old Saturn, though, is that it’s time for me to stop trying to befriend people who treat me like I’m not good enough. It’s time to see my own worth and know that I deserve better. I don’t need the popular crowd to give me value. I am inherently worthy.
So, I will love the people who are there for me, even when I’m a depressed mess. Those are the people I want to invest my energy in. I still care about the yoga teacher and I want her business to do well. She still has my unyielding support. I just don’t want to waste any more energy trying to be friends. In fact, I’m grateful to her for not being my friend because she’s helped me to see value in myself and to accept that I deserve better. I’m also grateful to Grandpa Saturn for being a taskmaster. If he hadn’t been so tough on me, I never would have figured it out. I think he’s proud of me and I’m pretty proud of myself, too.