The Last Straw

I’m at the end of my rope. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had it up to here! I’m fed up. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” (That’s a Popeye quote for those not familiar.)

I’ve been at the end of my rope so often on that broken-backed camel that I truly “can’t stands no more.” Why must I get so sick and tired (there’s another idiom) that I feel like I’ll never make it out alive before I ask for help? I’ve struggled for so long, feeling like I’m all alone in the world. It’s so hard for me to ask for help. Even asking the Creator for help is hard, but when I get to this point, I have no choice. So, in meditation yesterday, I asked for guidance. Somebody please show me that I’m going to feel better. I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to find that special something that people keep telling me we all have. I can’t find mine anywhere and I’m afraid I don’t have one. I’m afraid that I have nothing to give.

I want to feel a sense of purpose in my life. I think we all do. I read a beautiful op-ed piece in the New York Times c0-written by the Dalai Lama and Arthur C Brooks. They said that the reason there is so much anger and discontent in the West is that we don’t feel needed anymore. We don’t feel useful. According to the article, feeling superfluous is a blow to the human spirit. It leads to social isolation and emotional pain, and creates the conditions for negative emotions to take root. (It’s a wonderful article. Here’s the link:  http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/04/opinion/dalai-lama-behind-our-anxiety-the-fear-of-being-unneeded.html?action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=opinion-c-col-left-region&region=opinion-c-col-left-region&WT.nav=opinion-c-col-left-region&_r=1 ) These big corporations that we often have to work for treat us as expendable pieces. If we leave, we can easily be replaced. We, personally, aren’t necessary. We’re just a warm body that can punch the buttons.

I think this is why I’m so depressed. I think I have a lot to offer, but I haven’t been able to package it in a way that someone will say, “Wow! I need you to work for me.” My resumé is so all over the place, because I can’t find anything I want to do, so I try different things. Instead of showing diversity, employers see it as job hopping. All I could get is a customer service job for things that I would never buy. I absolutely abhor our consumer mentality in this country. I believe there is more to life that buying more things than we can possibly use and then throwing them away when we get bored with them. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about whoring myself out for a dollar, but I also like having a roof over my head and my fancy-schmancy electronics and my beautiful car, so whoring is what I have to do. But it’s not who I am and it’s not how I want to live.

I want to make the world a better place. I want to make beautiful things. I want to write beautiful words–not this crap I’m writing now. I want to travel the world and see the beauty that it has to offer. I want to meet people with other cultural backgrounds and share their stories, so that maybe we won’t be so afraid of each other. The Creator knows this about me, so when I asked for guidance to help me find my way, I got some wonderful answers via, of all things, Instagram.

I follow several professional photographers and writers. Their work makes my heart both happy and sad, depending on my mood. This is what I got from one of my favorite writers today: “Best advice I’ve ever gotten from my Higher Self: You want to be your own boss? Then start by treating yourself like your best employee.” (Instagram handle andrea.balt) Her point is that in order to be of service to others, we have to take care of ourselves first. Most of us, especially women, put ourselves last. We don’t take care of our health, our bodies, or our spirits. Instead of worrying about how I can serve the world, I should first take the time to honor myself. What is the saying? You can’t give what you don’t have.

The next one came a couple of posts later. Theron Humphrey, Instagram handle thiswildidea, is a wonderful photographer. He traveled the country with his Coonhound, meeting people and their dogs, and telling their stories. He just built his own home after years of wandering and his post was about how much he’s changed. The words that got me, though, were “Wanting to vulnerable and known, but just couldn’t.” You see these people doing amazing work and yet, they, too, feel lost and unworthy sometimes. He is finding now, though, in settling down and spending a little time with himself, that he is worthy of love just as he is. He doesn’t need to do anything for it. He went on to open his home up to anyone feeling the need to regroup and rest or get their creative juices going. What an amazingly courageous thing to do. (He’s got over a million followers!) I want to go and give him a big, fat hug. His openness and vulnerability spoke to my heart.

I’m grateful to the the Universe, for showing me once again that I’m not alone in how I feel and that I’m not being selfish by praying for myself or putting myself first. I’m also hoping that this is the Creator’s way of telling me to hang in there. It’ll get better. I hope it gets better. And I apologize for the downer note this blog has taken. I’m hoping to write my way out from under my wet blanket and back into the sun.

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