Sometimes, I feel like life is a game. When you’re born, they either hand out a rulebook for how to play the game and be happy or they hand you one that tells you to play some game we don’t even play here. Guess which one I got?
When I started following the Law of Attraction, I thought I had finally gotten the right rulebook. I’ve been working diligently on getting rid of old, childhood beliefs for several years now and my life is definitely better than it was. I’m only depressed forty percent of the time and I’ve actually had some amazingly blissful moments, but for the last few months, I’ve been struggling.
I’ve discovered that I love graphic design. I love creating an image that tells a story. I love researching and coming up with a great idea and working to see if I can execute it. The curriculum also includes art classes and as scared as I was, I found that I wasn’t horrible at it.
I quit my last job because I had spent the previous eight years in one miserable job and I didn’t want to try to make this one work when it obviously wasn’t. Several months have passed and I can’t find a decent job. All of those years of working and no one wants to give me a chance because I worked in a lab and now I want to go back to office work while I work toward my design goals. A midlife career change is proving to be rather difficult, but I believed that if I “follow my bliss”, doors would open up and pathways would light up. After all
“[…] when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” – The Alchemist
I’ve been trying hard to act on this premise and sadly, it’s not proving to be true. I have to quit taking classes because I need to be available to work the weird hours of desperation jobs. I’ve tried to do a little design/blog work for a few friends and none of it has worked out. They didn’t like my work. Life is supposed to be easy and everything I’ve tried has been too hard. Maybe harder than it had been because I had hope attached to it.
Or perhaps I’m trying too hard to force my will on the universe. This is where that stupid rulebook would come in handy, because I have no idea what to do now. So I give up. I surrender. I’m done fighting and struggling to try to have just a little bit of happiness in my life.
To surrender is to cease resisting, so I’m waving the white flag. I surrender. I give up. I’m tired of the struggle. I’ll let someone else call the shots for a while and see how it goes.