I started this blog back in January with the intention of documenting my own personal revolution. I’ve gotten a little off track. I’ve started to write to attract readers instead of writing for myself. I haven’t been digging or changing like I had hoped way back in January. I’m starting over because the revolution has stalled, but the need for change still exists and it’s more urgent than ever.
I believe that I’m the creator of my own world. Here’s an example: after ten years of living in a rundown duplex that had so many gaps in the windows and doors the winter winds howled through the living room and ants marched on their well-worn path across my carpet from the side door to the kitchen, I decided that I was ready to move. It didn’t take long for a rental to show up on my Facebook newsfeed. It took a couple of friends pointing it out to me to get me to call, because I was sure it would cost too much. I set up an appointment to see it anyway and became uneasy as I drove up the street. The neighborhood was in and out of sketchiness and I was headed toward an infamously dangerous part of town. However, as soon as I got to the top of the hill, it was like the clouds parted and the angels began to sing. I knew this was my house. I wanted it and I got it.
This kind of creating hasn’t happened a lot in my life. I never expected much from life and that’s what I got: not much. I didn’t so much create anything as I fell into it. Creating by default is what Abraham Hicks calls it. Life was always a struggle and that’s what I thought I deserved. Childhood shit. You know.
I am so tired of the struggle though and I know it doesn’t have to be this way. I know that I can do better. I’ve tested the universe and I know that there is power out there that I can tap into. I was in it for a while, but I seem to have gotten lost lately. I feel as if there is an epic battle going on in my mind between my old self and my new self. I want so badly to let go of all those ways of believing that have kept me in the mire for so long. I can let go occasionally and it feels incredibly good. I try to hold onto that feeling as long as possible, but soon the doubts and the unworthy feelings come creeping up and the old me takes control and slams me to the floor again. It’s so discouraging to feel the joy slipping through my hands. It’s like trying to hold onto sand.
I feel like the battle between the old me and the new me is coming to climax. I am so miserable I can hardly stand it. I heard someone call it a “dark night of the soul.” According to Eckhart Tolle, the “dark night of the soul” is a moment when everything you previously believed to be true about your world is turned upside down. It’s a collapse of “the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning your mind had given it.” Intellectually, I know that everything I’ve always believed about myself is just a story that I made up to make sense of what was happening around me and to protect myself from being hurt. It has hurt me though. It’s stopped me from growing. It’s made me miss out on a lot of experiences and a lot of fun. I’m tired of being the one standing in the way of my happiness.
I’ve got two options: I can take that first step off the cliff and have faith that the bridge will build itself with each step or I can turn around and go back to my old ways. Turning around isn’t actually an option anymore, though. I can’t go back. I know too much. The only option I truly have is to have faith in a bridge I can’t see.
The past couple of days, I’ve noticed a few words coming up a lot. Faith. Phoenix. Shedding. Revolution. The word revolution prompted me to revisit why I wanted to write this blog. The signs are all there. I even saw that old Cherokee story-for the thousandth time-about the young man who had two wolves battling inside him, good and bad. He asked his grandfather which one would win and the grandfather said, “The one you feed.” Which one am I going to feed? The old me vs the new me. The old me believes that I’m unworthy of anything good while the new me knows that we’re all deserving and worthy, even me. They’ve been battling it out for quite some time now. I know the new me is going to win, but the old me isn’t going down without a fight. I have to sit back and allow the battle play out, because I need to shed the old me once and for all. I’m tired of the struggle. The revolution has begun and it won’t be televised. It will, however, be shared on this blog.
As F Scott Fitzgerald said in The Crack-Up, “In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the morning.” Fair warning.