I got fired from my shitty lab job one year ago yesterday. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting fired slammed shut a door I never thought I’d be able to close, but it left me standing in the center of a room full of unlocked doors with no idea what was on the other side or which one I should choose, kind of like when choosing a door on the Price Is Right. I could choose door one, two, or three and I don’t know which one is the booby prize. The worst possible booby prize was another job like the one I was recently freed from. What if I chose that door?
I got an okay severance package, so I sat back for a while, worked a low-paying, part-time job. No pressure. No hurry. I started taking classes in digital arts. I did a lot of yoga. I watched a lot of Dr Phil. I had a great time. Probably the best time of my adult life.
Then an opportunity came along that I thought was perfect for me. I have been a plant lover all of my life. A few years ago, I started taking a “home herbalist” class with a local herbalist. I didn’t want to be an herbalist; I just wanted to know how plants could heal, so I could help my friends and family. A couple of years later, a woman I had been in class with started an herbal manufacturing company and I heard she was looking to hire someone. I jumped at the chance. I had an ulterior motive, though. I thought I could work my into doing the graphic designer/social media once I got the manufacturing piece all straightened out. Soon however, it became painfully obvious that she wanted to do it herself and would never allow me to have any sort of creative input, so I gave up that idea and dove into getting the lab running smoothly. Soon though, even that wasn’t good enough. I would spend hours working on something only to have my boss come in and start doing it herself. She didn’t even bother to see what I had already done and she didn’t trust me enough to do it right. Her favorite saying is “…because I’m a perfectionist,” which means, “you will never do it right”. So I gave up.
At the same time, I was trying to work with a local yoga instructor to do the layout for her teacher training manual, but after the artist flaked out, the project fell apart. Then she asked me to do the flyers for her guest teachers and workshops, but then she decided that she wanted to do them herself. Then she asked me to do research on the topics she wanted to use in her own workshops, but then took that away, too. Seems whatever I did was not good enough for her either. So I gave up.
All of my life, everything I have done I’ve done to please other people. Every move I make is weighed against how people will perceive me, what they expect of me, what society expects of me. Nothing I have ever done seems to be good enough for anyone. The only person I’ve never tried to please is myself.
So two days ago, I gave up completely. I told the Universe that my Soul/Inner Being was in charge now, because I obviously didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I’ve never done anything completely for myself. I don’t even know how. I’ve decided to withdraw myself from the world for a while in order to figure out how to do things for me. I’m going to hide myself away for the rest of the winter and teach myself how to do the things that please me. I’ll work on creating just for me. I’ll say no if I don’t want to do something. I won’t answer to anyone but my own Soul and hopefully I will emerge in the Spring closer to being the person I want to be.
I’ve started this blog for me, so that I can watch the progress of my personal revolution. I’m calling it The Power of One-a personal revolution, because I am all I have and I hope to convince myself that I am enough.